The Fear.

I want to be rich, I want lots of money
I don’t care about clever, I don’t care about funny
I want lots of clothes and I want lots of diamonds
I heard people die while they’re trying to find them
And I’ll take my clothes off and everyone’s shameless
Cos everyone knows that how they get famous
I’ll look in the stars and I’ll look in the mirror
I’m on the right track, yeah I’m onto a winner
I don’t know what’s right and what’s real anymore…
I don’t know how I feel anymore
When do you think it will all come clear?
Cos I’m being taken over by the fear…

Today, I was very close to handing in my notice.

After nearly five years’ of working in this particular role and over 10 years’ of working in various Admin roles, I was ready for a change.

With my Asperger’s, I find it hard to make the leap, let alone to get my arse into gear and start to get my career kick-started again.  When I started my job 5 years’ ago, I told my family that I would be changing it in a years’ time.  Since then, the economy went pear-shaped and about 20 people are applying for each job – well, in my area, anyway.

I’m hoping – and dreaming – that I finally move away from commuter-belt land up to Scotland – ideally either Edinburgh or Inverness.  But, after looking at job applications I’m limiting myself – If there’s something on the job spec that I can’t do (but can do everything else) then I won’t apply for the job.  Simple as.  Plus, there’s the fact that I have to get up to Scotland for the interview; along with the fact that I’m totally crap at interviews.   People aren’t supposed to be discriminating people with Asperger’s but I’m still scared because, even though I’ve finally come to terms with my condition, people will probably judge a book by its cover even when I have my meltdowns.

But, what about my dreams of being a published author or becoming a DJ/TV Presenter?  I’m not going to lie, that’s all I’ve ever wanted to do.  As ironic as it seems, in my book the main character, who’s based on myself, finally gets her dreams.  But for me, it’ll still remain as one:  even though I’m always on MFR every day, I have no media contacts whatsoever – I don’t mingle with anyone within that industry.  That means that my chances of ever being on the radio or on TV are practically zero.  I am desperate for my book to be huge (as I have ideas of turning it into a TV drama!!) as, even though it’s based on someone with Asperger’s, it also features relationships and divorce; thus being it being open to everyone!!

I have at the moment at least finally got round to getting myself a twitter page…. but it’ll be seldom updated… so tweet me @julesburkeoffic :)

Am I being taken over by the fear?  All signs point to YES…..